Zayden's Promise

Ange Movius was on the same youth ministry team as my son Kevin when he fell and broke his neck in 1997. We had not really connected, though, until recently, when I had some portraits made for my next book. When I checked out her website, I stumbled upon a page entitled "Zayden's Promise," which offered bereavement portraits and posted the testimony of Angie Smith, wife of Selah founder and singer Todd Smith. I watched the tender video celebrating the life of their child Audrey, touched by their reverence for God and their love for the child that went to be with Him. In an age when millions of babies are routinely disposed of, it was like taking in a holy breath of fresh air, bathed in life.

Loving the children.
Worshiping the Giver.
Trusting in forever.

I was so moved by Ange's anointed photos that I just had to know the story behind the story. She has graciously consented to share her heart for these little ones and their grieving families, and why she does what she does. 


What inspired you to start Zayden’s Promise?
A good friend of mine, Tanya, was pregnant with Zayden the same time I was pregnant with my second child. We connected over our pregnancy, and when Zayden was born and then passed away, it was so close to me because it could’ve just as easily been my baby.

I felt so helpless and like I wanted to do something to help, and I also felt survivor's guilt, that my baby had survived and hers hadn’t. I avoided talking to her for a few months- it was so hard to face her with my baby in my arms and hers in the grave. Eventually, I wrote her a card and poured my heart out to her.

I avoided saying things like, “Sorry for your loss.” I’ve always thought that if I went through something like that, I’d want people to acknowledge my baby, that he was a person, that he lived, that he was more than just a “loss.” I sent her a mix CD along with the card with songs that brought me hope and said that music has always helped me in times of darkness and when I needed healing.

She didn’t say anything at the time, but months later she connected with me and told me the card and the CD meant the world to her. She referred me to the story of Angie Smith and how she walked through her pregnancy knowing at the end her baby would die. (Read Angie and Todd's story at  http://angiesmithonline.com/2008/01/the-beginning-of-the-story/ )

I stayed up all night reading Angie’s story and weeping. When I got to the part about Audrey’s birth, and saw beautiful portraits done by a professional photographer, I knew that was what I was supposed to do. That’s how I could be God’s healing hand in people’s lives right in the middle of the chaos of grief, bringing a glimpse of His hope.

Tanya has been so gracious as to hold my hand along the way. Through the things that scared me, the things that made me want to weep and run away, she’s stood behind me and reminded me what God has called me to do, and that He always provides strength in the darkest of times.





"I always cradle them to my chest
and treat them like they were my 
own baby - not a body, but a person."  




What has been the most poignant moment you’ve experienced in your work with families who have lost or are losing a loved one?

It’s always hard, but there are a few times that my heart was just ripped out and I grieved so deeply for these families. I know that God has allowed me to feel just a touch of the pain so that I can be in prayer for them. I’ve spent nights weeping my guts out and praying for these families. God has been so good, though, as to let me always hold it together when I’m working with the families at the hospital. It isn’t easy to cradle a body and to not at times feel afraid or sickened. 

It’s always the hardest when the babies are full term. They are perfect, beautiful, and so very heartbreaking.  Once, I was getting ready to walk in to photograph a couple with their baby and I heard the wife say to her husband, “God is with us, even in this. I don’t know why we have to have this happen, nothing like this has ever happened to us, but God will carry us through this.” That moment ministered to me so much, seeing the way God’s hope makes such a difference in the grief process.

Sometimes, when the babies have just been born, and they are soft and still warm and their skin is loose and wrinkly, and they feel so very alive, and like if you just blew breath into them they would come back, those are the hardest. It’s harder to separate my emotions from the moment or to be in denial that this is a little person. I always cradle them to my chest and treat them like they were my own baby - not a body, but a person.

What have you learned along the way?
Since losing Zayden, Tanya and her husband Jeremiah loved and lost a baby girl, Halliee, and I had to walk through a time of not understanding and being very angry at God, feeling like He dropped the ball. Halliee in my mind was supposed to be their miracle, the promise after the pain, and I couldn’t understand why God had “failed” them.

I imagine that is just a small taste of what my families feel. He was gracious enough to walk me through that time, helping my heart to be at peace with it, and being ok with that I may not understand everything that happens here this side of heaven. Haillee would’ve been the same age as my youngest, and Zayden would’ve been the same age as my second child, and I often find myself looking at them and thinking, “I wonder what they would’ve been like? I wonder what my life would’ve been like if I had lost my babies?”

Did you have any preconceived notions about death that have changed? About life?
Death is quick moving and harsh, once someone is gone there is no holding them back from death, as much as you might never want to let go. Photographing these babies and families is a constant reminder of how precious and uncertain life is. I’m reminded to really enjoy the moments we have and how life without God’s hope is a very dark place to be.

Something Tanya has always said to me is that anytime you can invite Jesus into someone’s grief, that is what makes all the difference in the world.

How has Zayden’s Promise increased your faith in God?

I now understand how quick this life is, and how God cares so much about us spending eternity with Him. He is willing to let us walk through darkness and pain if it allows us to be drawn to Him.

Ange Movius is the creative mind behind Ange Movius Photography, established in 2005 and located in the Lewis-Clark Valley of Northern Idaho. Her husband Trav is a vital team member, and they are the parents of three awesome children. Her non-profit program, Zayden's Promise, offers free infant bereavement photos and portraits for terminally ill children.

Click these links to see more of Ange's work:
Ange Movius Photography
Ange's Blog

Whirlwind

I know it's been looking quiet around here at 'Til Dawn Comes in June. But our lives have been a whirlwind. Just before a planned family visit, Kevin came down with an infection and had to go through the usual round of testing and antibiotics. Thank God, it was not a particularly nasty illness this time, and he quickly recovered - just in time for the family fun.

We spent a hectic but joyous week celebrating the birthdays of our two wonderful granddaughters.
The guys went on a fishing expedition to a local lake, the girls went shopping (what else?), and we managed to work in  miniature golf, a movie, and game night.

As most caregivers will tell you, the day-to-day duties required to assist a loved one with life's challenges leave little time for festivities of any kind. We work hard every day. So do our grown children and growing grandchildren. The added miles between us make our rare reunions that much sweeter.

So we had a blast. We crammed as much fun as possible into the visit and managed to do everything on our dream list. We created lots and lots of memories to get us through the long days until we are together again.                                                                                
                                                                               

I'm exhausted.
And refreshed.

This week I'm back in the saddle here and at CMADDICT.COM. I have lots on my heart and lots to share with you as we navigate the treacherous rapids of this life together.

Be sure to check in tomorrow for the weekly devotional on Slightly Obsessed.

Photos courtesy Grace Thorson, Jennifer Thorson, and Racheal McCormack

It's Okay to Cry

In much wisdom there is much grief,

and increasing knowledge results in increasing pain.

Ecclesiastes 1:18

They were born alive, squirming, whimpering, gasping for breath. As they lay fighting for life on the filthy table, an employee took a pair of scissors and snipped their spinal cords. In some cases, the infant was nearly decapitated. 

The recent reports of the horrific conditions at an abortion clinic run by Kermit Gosnell turn my stomach. I can't even think of what those children and their mothers endured. It unleashes a mourning within me that threatens to rise to the surface and spill over into heartbroken grief. It makes me want to wail.

I always wonder why I feel like I have to keep it controlled, why I have to think about something else. It's so much easier to look away than it is to have the pain and responsibility of knowing the truth.

The Bible tells us God is all-knowing and all-powerful. If He knows everything, then He sees not only every act of faith and courage that happens on earth, but every act of evil and injustice, as well. How His heart must break! How much pain He must bear! Because He has reserved judgment until all have had a chance to accept His gift of forgiveness, He restrains His great power and waits.

He waits for us.

It's our responsibility to know what is happening in our world, and how it relates to God's Word. But it's not enough to understand. As we increase in knowledge and wisdom, it's time for action. 

In Christ alone lies hope for a weary world. It's our job to be His hands and feet and heart. There are people dying without hope today. If we have Christ's heart, we will weep with Him. If we are His feet, we will go to those who are dying and lonely and distressed. If we are His hands, we will reach out to give and comfort. others. If we have His eyes, we will not look away from suffering. 

If we have His voice, we will speak the truth.

The next time bad news comes on the tv. it's our call to action, whether it's to pray or to move or to give. It's okay to cry. Just don't look away. 

Is it hard for you to hear bad news on the airwaves? How do you deal with the heartache you see around you? What is God calling you to do? 

Toilet Cleaning and the Perfect Storm

Photo courtesy Erik Thorson copyright 2013

Peace I leave with you;

My peace I give to you.

Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.

John 14:27

Last week was stressful, to put it mildly. I had a manuscript to get back to an editor. My new computer, the one I bought because I was afraid my faithful old Dell would kick the bucket any time, chose last week to fail me.

Every spring we have the annual re-certification time for our certified family home, which involves extra paperwork and things like having our water and fire extinguishers tested. As a young mom, I used to tease that if I didn't get the house cleaned soon, the health department was going to shut us down. Now we do get inspected by the state. Getting shut down is a real possibility now if I don't keep the toilets clean.

At the first of every month, I inventory Kevin's medical supplies, make out a new order, get it to the medical supply company, and put the supplies away after they arrive. I also have to set up new monthly charts because I keep daily charts of the care I supply at our home. Every month we also test the smoke detectors and change out equipment. All this, and toilet cleaning, too.

Last week was the perfect storm. All this was brewing, and I had to get sick. 

Awesome.

Several nights ago, I was tossing and turning in bed in my misery when I heard my husband and youngest son chatting downstairs. I dragged myself down to the living room. "I can't do this," I whimpered. "Could you guys pray for me?"

They did. It was awesome. 

I didn't feel any better, but God's peace enveloped me and I was able to sleep. The next morning I was on the mend.

Erik Thorson/2013

Today the world looks brighter. The manuscript made it to the editor. The computer is under warranty and is on its way to the manufacturer. The certified family home paperwork is coming together. New supplies will be here tomorrow.

Best of all, I am reminded how close we are every day to the source of peace and comfort. I wasted a lot of emotional energy before simply asking for prayer and giving everything over to God once again. Jesus warned us not to "let" our hearts be troubled or fearful, implying we have the power to keep it from happening. We have more control over our happiness than we think we do. Living in a state of peace has nothing to do with circumstances and everything to do with what we allow to shake us.

When we're in over our heads and trouble has already been let out of the gate, we can turn to others for the support we need. We're not meant to do this alone. We're in it together.

Are you troubled today? What do you do when peace can't be found? Do you have a trusted friend or family member who will faithfully pray for you? 

If you need prayer, send me a comment in the comment section. It will not be published or made public in any way.  I will pray for you. 

Baby Blues

She's a new girl, and she's having trouble adjusting to life in my office. Sometimes she doesn't listen to me. Other times, she just sits and stares into space.

No, I don't have a difficult employee. I have a brand-new computer. She is doing a lot of whining right now.

So am I. I've spent the last couple of days working on it. I spent today talking with the friendly folks at tech support to figure out what is making my baby so colicky.


It's not like it's my first one. I've been a new mom before. I remember the late nights holding its hand, the little messes it makes, the days I have to give it a time-out until it does what it's told.

Right now it's pretty much consuming my days. I'm on a first name basis with the tech guys. We're going to chat again next week, to see if the wayward child is responding to therapy.

I'll try to keep up my posting in the meantime. But if I miss a day, it's probably because I'm conferring with the doctors. Or my baby's been banished to the corner.

Under the Spotlight

I will trust and not be afraid;

For the LORD GOD is my strength and song,

And He has become my salvation.

Isaiah 12:2

Some years back a traveling evangelist came to a nearby town to hold Billy Graham-style meetings in the school gym. His team asked for assistance from the area churches for people to pray, to counsel, and to help with the music.

Someone asked me to sing a special, which I gladly did. The night I sang, an acquaintance from my school days came up and mentioned how much she liked the song. She just kept on about how amazing it was. I secretly basked in the praise but replied as humbly as possible, "Oh, it wasn't my doing. You remember how shy I was in school."

"I know," she agreed, "that's what made the song so amazing."

Okay. It wasn't my ability that impressed her. It was the fact I had been able to get up there at all. That was humbling.

 Later I was struck by two things:

*The fact I was stung by her agreement with the very words out of my mouth.

*How much God has really changed me from the timid little teenager I once was.

Often our lives become so full we spend much of it doing, instead of being. This is usually considered to be bad. If we are doing the right things, however, we don't stay the same. Somewhere along the way, the song changes. We may not even realize how much.

I once yearned for the acceptance and approval of others. The more I tried, the more I embarrassed myself. After a few of those failures, I retreated to a life of safety in the shadows.

That's where God found me, dusted me off, and gave me a new song.

Today I have an audience of One. My goal is to make every day a solo performance straight from the heart to the only person whose approval I need. I already have His acceptance.

I fail at that goal every day, of course, because I'm so miserably human. But I know God is still at work on me. His stage is the secret place of my soul. His spotlight reveals my motives, illumines my heart, and dispels the shadows. 

Being under the spotlight can feel pretty intimidating. It can get a little heated under the light. It's a good place to be, though.

Lit up. Under scrutiny. Singing our song for Him.

How have you changed over the years? Has it been for the better or for the worse? Can you think of a time you feel under the spotlight of God's scrutiny? What did you learn from it?

In an Instant

 For soon it is gone and we fly away.

Psalm 90:10

 
Like many Americans on April 15, I watched with horror as the events at the Boston Marathon unfolded. My immediate interest was in learning if an acquaintance who was running in the marathon had escaped harm. As the nation awaited more details of the bombing, news outlets filled the hours replaying videos of the first moments of the blasts.

One video in particular struck me. At the moment the first blast ripped through the crowd, the area was engulfed in thick, white smoke. As people ran from--and toward--the carnage, a small bunch of yellow balloons slipped from the chaos and floated toward heaven.

A wave of emotion rose in my throat. Some child had only moments before been laughing, playing, eating goodies, and clinging with pride to those balloons. Then the laughter was gone, swept away in the violence that killed and maimed and stole away innocence forever.

Today I learned that at least nine of the victims of the terrorist attack were children. This morning the name of eight-year-old Martin Richard was released. Martin slipped into eternity in the same blast that critically injured his mother and sister.

"I just can't get a handle on it," neighbor Jack Cunningham said of the boy's death. "In an instant, life changes."

In an instant.

Life is precious. It's a gift, and it's too short to be squandered. Cherish it and fill it with all the joy you can find. Make every moment count for eternity.

You never know what the next instant will bring.



What keeps us from living life to its very fullest? How does this dishonor the Giver of Life? In what ways can we make better choices in order to live in joy, no matter what our days bring? What can you change today so that if the next instant brings eternity, you will be ready?

Resources:
http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/04/16/boy-8-killed-in-boston-marathon-attack-reportedly-hugged-runner-dad-seconds/#ixzz2Qf3TZthQ

The Associated Press

Difficult Times

But realize this,

that in the last days difficult times will come.

2 Timothy 3:1

This morning, Americans were greeted with the image of a cardboard cutout of a U.S. soldier being used as target practice by North Korean troops.This was accompanied by the announcement of Kim Jong Un that North Korea plans to restart the development of nuclear weapons.

This follows news of increasing military tensions on the Korean peninsula. Behind the dispute of the smaller nations of North and South Korea loom the shadow of the behemoth forces of the United States and China.

Currently, there are about 38 conflicts being fought around the world, with about eight of them considered to be major wars. An estimated 378,000 people died in armed conflicts each year between 1985 and 1994.

But war is not the only front in the battle to save innocent lives. From 1973 through 2008, nearly 50 million legal abortions have occurred in the U.S. alone. Approximately 42 million abortions are performed every year worldwide. Recent news has spotlighted the gruesome practices of late-term abortions and infanticide.

Today marks the seven-year anniversary of the death of Terri Schiavo, a brain-damaged woman who was starved to death despite the wishes of her family.

Approximately two million people, about ten percent of the American population, are incarcerated for crimes. More than sixteen nations worldwide have been flagged by the U.S. Commission on International Religious Freedom (USCIRF. Cities, states, and nations are falling into default as financial collapse catches up with loose budgets.

For men will be lovers of self, 

lovers of money,

boastful,

arrogant,

revilers,

disobedient to parents,

ungrateful,

unholy,

unloving,

irreconcilable,

malicious gossips,

without self-control,

brutal,

haters of good,

treacherous,

reckless,

conceited,

lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God,

holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power.

2 Timothy 3:2-3 

Why am I talking about this today? I'm not trying to depress you; you can get enough of that every day just by watching the news.

Today is the day for action. Jesus Christ called His followers "the salt of the earth."

You are the salt of the earth;

but if the salt has become tasteless, how can it be made salty again?

It is no longer good for anything, 

except to be thrown out and trampled under foot by men.

Matthew 5:13

Salt is vital for our body's needs. It's a preservative. It has antibacterial characteristics. It makes food taste good. It creates thirst. 

Salt that has lost these properties is worthless.

My question today is, are we being the salt Jesus has commanded us to be? What should our response be to the day's challenges? Do we keep our heads down, take care of our own business, and look the other way? 

Or do we step forward to be that purifying, preserving, vital force God desires? Do our lives make others thirsty for God?

Or are we only fit to be set aside to be trampled underfoot as the world marches to destruction?

Today I'm praying about what God has called me to be. What passion has He put on your heart? What are you doing this day to walk in that calling?

To read an inspiring article by Terri Schiavo's brother, click this link.
 Remembering My Sister Terri Schiavo

There is so much more. Somewhere there is a need that is just waiting for your unique talents and gifts. Put aside your own trials and heartaches for a day and ask God what you can be doing to reach out to a hurting world.

 Difficult times call for people of courage to stand up.

It's time.




Resources:
http://www.nytimes.com
http://abcnews.go.com
http://foxnews.com
http://www.wikianswers.com
http://www.christianfreedom.org
http://www.abort73.com
http://www.chacha.com
http://www.worldwatchlist.us
http://www.lifenews.com/2013/04/01/remembering-my-sister-terri-schiavo-her-death-was-just-the-beginning/
http://www.lifenews.com/%20http://www.lifenews.com/2005/03/31/bio-875/

Stonethrower

We were joking around last week and I kiddingly called someone a "stonethrower," a reference to the ancient Middle Eastern practice of stoning offenders. The name struck me (no pun intended), and it sent me to the Bible to revisit the account of the adulterous woman. That led to the subject of this week's Wednesday devotional at CMADDICT.COM.

Come on over and glean new insights from Slightly Obsessed: Stonethrower.

Let Hope Take Wing

Photo courtesy Erik Thorson 2013

How rich I am! God is the Creator of the whole universe, 

yet is holding my life in His hands. 

-Corrie Ten Boom

Winter's grip is loosening here in our corner of the Northwest. An icy wind still wraps the gray mornings in a chill, but the grass is greening and the bulbs are peeking through the dirt. I feel the cold fingers of fear slipping from around my heart as Kevin and Daniel's medical issues resolve and we fall again into some semblance of a normal routine.

Plus, I got lots of sleep last night. It's amazing what a little rest can do for the soul. This morning dawned gray and overcast, but I know it's just bluster from Old Man Winter. He always tries to make me think he's here forever. But he can't fool me.

Spring is on the way.

There have been some good things that have come from our recent struggles with Kevin's medical issues. It's made us rethink how we do things around here and come up with new techniques for getting through our days. We've been forced to come up with alternate solutions for transfers and do a little healthy innovating with caregiving duties. It's been a fierce-some reminder to never take anything for granted. We'll probably come out of this stronger and better equipped for the future.

God has a way of doing that.

Today I'm going to take a deep breath, enjoy a cup of tea, and prepare for the upcoming writer's conference I plan on attending this coming weekend. Along the way, I'll remind myself to thoroughly enjoy the peaceful days, giving lavish praise back to the Creator for His rich provision. I'll try to make this winter a memorial to setting aside the little things I allow to crowd out the pure joy of living. Every moment without pain is an abundant blessing. Each day with those I love is heaven.

Once again, death threatens to be swallowed up with rebirth. And we have been given this day to rejoice in it. 

So rejoice! Ignore the snow, the wind, the bluster of the enemy. Let the stirring in your heart arise; let hope take wing. 

It's a new day.

And not only this, 

but we also exult in our tribulations, 

knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance;

and perseverance, proven character;

and proven character, hope;

and hope does not disappoint,

because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts

through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

Romans 5:3-5