Zayden's Promise

Ange Movius was on the same youth ministry team as my son Kevin when he fell and broke his neck in 1997. We had not really connected, though, until recently, when I had some portraits made for my next book. When I checked out her website, I stumbled upon a page entitled "Zayden's Promise," which offered bereavement portraits and posted the testimony of Angie Smith, wife of Selah founder and singer Todd Smith. I watched the tender video celebrating the life of their child Audrey, touched by their reverence for God and their love for the child that went to be with Him. In an age when millions of babies are routinely disposed of, it was like taking in a holy breath of fresh air, bathed in life.

Loving the children.
Worshiping the Giver.
Trusting in forever.

I was so moved by Ange's anointed photos that I just had to know the story behind the story. She has graciously consented to share her heart for these little ones and their grieving families, and why she does what she does. 


What inspired you to start Zayden’s Promise?
A good friend of mine, Tanya, was pregnant with Zayden the same time I was pregnant with my second child. We connected over our pregnancy, and when Zayden was born and then passed away, it was so close to me because it could’ve just as easily been my baby.

I felt so helpless and like I wanted to do something to help, and I also felt survivor's guilt, that my baby had survived and hers hadn’t. I avoided talking to her for a few months- it was so hard to face her with my baby in my arms and hers in the grave. Eventually, I wrote her a card and poured my heart out to her.

I avoided saying things like, “Sorry for your loss.” I’ve always thought that if I went through something like that, I’d want people to acknowledge my baby, that he was a person, that he lived, that he was more than just a “loss.” I sent her a mix CD along with the card with songs that brought me hope and said that music has always helped me in times of darkness and when I needed healing.

She didn’t say anything at the time, but months later she connected with me and told me the card and the CD meant the world to her. She referred me to the story of Angie Smith and how she walked through her pregnancy knowing at the end her baby would die. (Read Angie and Todd's story at  http://angiesmithonline.com/2008/01/the-beginning-of-the-story/ )

I stayed up all night reading Angie’s story and weeping. When I got to the part about Audrey’s birth, and saw beautiful portraits done by a professional photographer, I knew that was what I was supposed to do. That’s how I could be God’s healing hand in people’s lives right in the middle of the chaos of grief, bringing a glimpse of His hope.

Tanya has been so gracious as to hold my hand along the way. Through the things that scared me, the things that made me want to weep and run away, she’s stood behind me and reminded me what God has called me to do, and that He always provides strength in the darkest of times.





"I always cradle them to my chest
and treat them like they were my 
own baby - not a body, but a person."  




What has been the most poignant moment you’ve experienced in your work with families who have lost or are losing a loved one?

It’s always hard, but there are a few times that my heart was just ripped out and I grieved so deeply for these families. I know that God has allowed me to feel just a touch of the pain so that I can be in prayer for them. I’ve spent nights weeping my guts out and praying for these families. God has been so good, though, as to let me always hold it together when I’m working with the families at the hospital. It isn’t easy to cradle a body and to not at times feel afraid or sickened. 

It’s always the hardest when the babies are full term. They are perfect, beautiful, and so very heartbreaking.  Once, I was getting ready to walk in to photograph a couple with their baby and I heard the wife say to her husband, “God is with us, even in this. I don’t know why we have to have this happen, nothing like this has ever happened to us, but God will carry us through this.” That moment ministered to me so much, seeing the way God’s hope makes such a difference in the grief process.

Sometimes, when the babies have just been born, and they are soft and still warm and their skin is loose and wrinkly, and they feel so very alive, and like if you just blew breath into them they would come back, those are the hardest. It’s harder to separate my emotions from the moment or to be in denial that this is a little person. I always cradle them to my chest and treat them like they were my own baby - not a body, but a person.

What have you learned along the way?
Since losing Zayden, Tanya and her husband Jeremiah loved and lost a baby girl, Halliee, and I had to walk through a time of not understanding and being very angry at God, feeling like He dropped the ball. Halliee in my mind was supposed to be their miracle, the promise after the pain, and I couldn’t understand why God had “failed” them.

I imagine that is just a small taste of what my families feel. He was gracious enough to walk me through that time, helping my heart to be at peace with it, and being ok with that I may not understand everything that happens here this side of heaven. Haillee would’ve been the same age as my youngest, and Zayden would’ve been the same age as my second child, and I often find myself looking at them and thinking, “I wonder what they would’ve been like? I wonder what my life would’ve been like if I had lost my babies?”

Did you have any preconceived notions about death that have changed? About life?
Death is quick moving and harsh, once someone is gone there is no holding them back from death, as much as you might never want to let go. Photographing these babies and families is a constant reminder of how precious and uncertain life is. I’m reminded to really enjoy the moments we have and how life without God’s hope is a very dark place to be.

Something Tanya has always said to me is that anytime you can invite Jesus into someone’s grief, that is what makes all the difference in the world.

How has Zayden’s Promise increased your faith in God?

I now understand how quick this life is, and how God cares so much about us spending eternity with Him. He is willing to let us walk through darkness and pain if it allows us to be drawn to Him.

Ange Movius is the creative mind behind Ange Movius Photography, established in 2005 and located in the Lewis-Clark Valley of Northern Idaho. Her husband Trav is a vital team member, and they are the parents of three awesome children. Her non-profit program, Zayden's Promise, offers free infant bereavement photos and portraits for terminally ill children.

Click these links to see more of Ange's work:
Ange Movius Photography
Ange's Blog

Will You Survive the Storm?

Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,

And He brought them out of their distresses.

He caused the storm to be still.

Psalm 107:28-29

He is called the "prince of the power of the air."* He invades world events, rattles our physical world, and causes havoc in the hearts of men. We know him as the devil, or Satan. He always blows in bringing trouble for God's creation.

++++++++++++++

It had been a particularly busy and productive time of ministry for Jesus, though danger lurked everywhere. Many were healed and heard the Good News. But His cousin had recently been beheaded by the king. It seemed a storm was brewing.

"Come away by yourselves to a secluded place and rest awhile," He told His disciples. They took a boat across the Sea of Galilee to find a quiet place.

The crowd followed them, however, and were waiting for Him as their boat reached land. Although Jesus was bone-weary, He was filled with compassion at the sight of the people, because they were like sheep without a shepherd. He spoke to them until it was very late, then He filled their empty bellies with a miracle dinner of five loaves of bread and two fish.

If He was tired before, He must have been exhausted by then.

He told the disciples to go on ahead of Him in the boat while He sent the crowd away. Then He went to the mountain to pray for awhile.

As Jesus prayed, a strong wind came up and threatened the boat and His disciples. It was nearly morning. The disciples were caught in the middle of the sea, buffeted by the winds, unable to reach safety.

In the dark, in the middle of a sea, Jesus saw them struggling. He came to them in their crisis; He met them in the storm. He didn't have to join them. He had just miraculously produced enough food out of thin air to feed a crowd. He could have spoken the word from His mountain and calmed the waves.

Instead, He went to their side, walking on the storm as if were His personal highway. The disciples were terrified. Who was this man? 

He told them, "Take courage; it is I, do not be afraid." Only He did not actually say "It is I." He said, literally, "I AM."

I AM. The ancient name for the LORD God of Israel. The name given to Moses out of the burning bush. The Eternal God.

Our Creator.

Are you weary of fighting the storm? Are you caught between destruction and the safe shore for which you long? Are you more certain of the strength of the evil one than you are of the Savior?

Take courage.

God sees you. His Son Jesus has conquered the winds and the waves that threaten to sweep you away. Even when His power was restrained by the constraints of a human body, Jesus commanded authority over every challenge raised against those He loved. Now at the right hand of the Father, He has released the awesome power of the Holy Spirit to fight for you.

You're not alone. You won't sink. Watch and trust Him to come to you and conquer your storm.

He has promised, "I AM"    ...everything you need.

*Ephesians 2:2

Whirlwind

I know it's been looking quiet around here at 'Til Dawn Comes in June. But our lives have been a whirlwind. Just before a planned family visit, Kevin came down with an infection and had to go through the usual round of testing and antibiotics. Thank God, it was not a particularly nasty illness this time, and he quickly recovered - just in time for the family fun.

We spent a hectic but joyous week celebrating the birthdays of our two wonderful granddaughters.
The guys went on a fishing expedition to a local lake, the girls went shopping (what else?), and we managed to work in  miniature golf, a movie, and game night.

As most caregivers will tell you, the day-to-day duties required to assist a loved one with life's challenges leave little time for festivities of any kind. We work hard every day. So do our grown children and growing grandchildren. The added miles between us make our rare reunions that much sweeter.

So we had a blast. We crammed as much fun as possible into the visit and managed to do everything on our dream list. We created lots and lots of memories to get us through the long days until we are together again.                                                                                
                                                                               

I'm exhausted.
And refreshed.

This week I'm back in the saddle here and at CMADDICT.COM. I have lots on my heart and lots to share with you as we navigate the treacherous rapids of this life together.

Be sure to check in tomorrow for the weekly devotional on Slightly Obsessed.

Photos courtesy Grace Thorson, Jennifer Thorson, and Racheal McCormack

It's Okay to Cry

In much wisdom there is much grief,

and increasing knowledge results in increasing pain.

Ecclesiastes 1:18

They were born alive, squirming, whimpering, gasping for breath. As they lay fighting for life on the filthy table, an employee took a pair of scissors and snipped their spinal cords. In some cases, the infant was nearly decapitated. 

The recent reports of the horrific conditions at an abortion clinic run by Kermit Gosnell turn my stomach. I can't even think of what those children and their mothers endured. It unleashes a mourning within me that threatens to rise to the surface and spill over into heartbroken grief. It makes me want to wail.

I always wonder why I feel like I have to keep it controlled, why I have to think about something else. It's so much easier to look away than it is to have the pain and responsibility of knowing the truth.

The Bible tells us God is all-knowing and all-powerful. If He knows everything, then He sees not only every act of faith and courage that happens on earth, but every act of evil and injustice, as well. How His heart must break! How much pain He must bear! Because He has reserved judgment until all have had a chance to accept His gift of forgiveness, He restrains His great power and waits.

He waits for us.

It's our responsibility to know what is happening in our world, and how it relates to God's Word. But it's not enough to understand. As we increase in knowledge and wisdom, it's time for action. 

In Christ alone lies hope for a weary world. It's our job to be His hands and feet and heart. There are people dying without hope today. If we have Christ's heart, we will weep with Him. If we are His feet, we will go to those who are dying and lonely and distressed. If we are His hands, we will reach out to give and comfort. others. If we have His eyes, we will not look away from suffering. 

If we have His voice, we will speak the truth.

The next time bad news comes on the tv. it's our call to action, whether it's to pray or to move or to give. It's okay to cry. Just don't look away. 

Is it hard for you to hear bad news on the airwaves? How do you deal with the heartache you see around you? What is God calling you to do? 

Tribute to a Stepmother

Photo courtesy Erik Thorson 2013

Her children rise up and bless her;

Her husband also, and he praises her, saying:

"Many daughters have done nobly,

But you excel them all."

Proverbs 31:28-29 

When she heard our son Kevin was in a Canadian hospital with a broken neck, she fell weeping to the floor. She begged God to spare his life. She cared for his little sister and did the family chores while we were with Kevin, first in Canada and then in the Spokane rehab hospital.

She visited him whenever possible in the hospital. She learned with rest of us how to care for a person with a devastating spinal cord injury to give the family respite when he came back home.

It didn't matter she had only known us for three years when Kevin broke his neck. She was as devastated and devoted as if she had known us forever.

Juanita is my stepmother, and she was sent straight from God to be our new mom, grandma, sister, and friend. She married my dad after my mother died from complications of a series of strokes. She started out as "Grandma Juanita" to our children. That was too much of a mouthful for my nephew, who was just a little guy at the time. He shortened it to "Gramita," and the name stuck.

She never tried to take Mom's place. Instead, she made her own place in our hearts. She gave us space to remember Mom without displaying jealousy. She graciously accepted our family traditions and helped us create new ones incorporating her rich Mexican heritage. Because of her, I now know how to make tamales with corn husks and fry up our own taco shells with masa flour.

"Gramita" with great-granddaughter Rebekah in 1997

She is a loyal wife, a faithful mom to her own two children, a loving stepmother to my brother and me, an adoring grandma to her grandchildren on both sides of the family, and a generous great-grandma. She is an auntie many times over. She is tender and giving. She is one of hardest working people I have ever seen.

Since my father became pastor of the Leland Pioneer Community Church in historic Leland, Idaho, Juanita has been a tireless supporter. She serves their community beside my father and lives to tell others about the Savior who redeemed her and set her free. Her love for Jesus is both inspiring and contagious.

In honor of this week's tribute to Moms everywhere, I salute Juanita and the stepmothers like her who take on a whole new family - baggage and all - with grace and love.Yours is a difficult and often thankless job.

Every time you swallowed down a retort, listened to the same family stories all over again of the years that never included you, took flowers with your husband to his first wife's grave, put aside your holiday traditions to accommodate your new family's schedule, and generally accepted the people your husband loves, be assured we noticed. Your sacrifices have made us love you all the more.

You are appreciated and adored. Thanks for being you. May God reward you in the measure of devotion you have shown us, overflowing with blessing.

Happy Mother's Day!

Toilet Cleaning and the Perfect Storm

Photo courtesy Erik Thorson copyright 2013

Peace I leave with you;

My peace I give to you.

Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.

John 14:27

Last week was stressful, to put it mildly. I had a manuscript to get back to an editor. My new computer, the one I bought because I was afraid my faithful old Dell would kick the bucket any time, chose last week to fail me.

Every spring we have the annual re-certification time for our certified family home, which involves extra paperwork and things like having our water and fire extinguishers tested. As a young mom, I used to tease that if I didn't get the house cleaned soon, the health department was going to shut us down. Now we do get inspected by the state. Getting shut down is a real possibility now if I don't keep the toilets clean.

At the first of every month, I inventory Kevin's medical supplies, make out a new order, get it to the medical supply company, and put the supplies away after they arrive. I also have to set up new monthly charts because I keep daily charts of the care I supply at our home. Every month we also test the smoke detectors and change out equipment. All this, and toilet cleaning, too.

Last week was the perfect storm. All this was brewing, and I had to get sick. 

Awesome.

Several nights ago, I was tossing and turning in bed in my misery when I heard my husband and youngest son chatting downstairs. I dragged myself down to the living room. "I can't do this," I whimpered. "Could you guys pray for me?"

They did. It was awesome. 

I didn't feel any better, but God's peace enveloped me and I was able to sleep. The next morning I was on the mend.

Erik Thorson/2013

Today the world looks brighter. The manuscript made it to the editor. The computer is under warranty and is on its way to the manufacturer. The certified family home paperwork is coming together. New supplies will be here tomorrow.

Best of all, I am reminded how close we are every day to the source of peace and comfort. I wasted a lot of emotional energy before simply asking for prayer and giving everything over to God once again. Jesus warned us not to "let" our hearts be troubled or fearful, implying we have the power to keep it from happening. We have more control over our happiness than we think we do. Living in a state of peace has nothing to do with circumstances and everything to do with what we allow to shake us.

When we're in over our heads and trouble has already been let out of the gate, we can turn to others for the support we need. We're not meant to do this alone. We're in it together.

Are you troubled today? What do you do when peace can't be found? Do you have a trusted friend or family member who will faithfully pray for you? 

If you need prayer, send me a comment in the comment section. It will not be published or made public in any way.  I will pray for you. 

Living in Laodicea

"To the angel of the church in Laodicea write:

The Amen, the faithful and true Witness, the Beginning of the creation of God, says this: 
'I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot; I wish that you were cold or hot. So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth. Because you say "I am rich, and have become wealthy, and have need of nothing," and you do not know that you are wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked, I advise you to buy from Me gold refined by fire so that you may become rich, and white garments so that you may clothe yourself, and that the shame of your nakedness will not be revealed; and eye salve to anoint your eyes so that you may see. Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline; be zealous therefore, and repent. Behold I stand at the door and knock...."

Revelation 3:14-20

Photo courtesy Erik Thorson 2013

Laodicea was one of three famous cities of the Lycas River valley. Six miles to the north of it lay Hieropolis, a city boasting hot springs and thermal baths. Ten miles to the east lay Colossae, known for its pure, cold springs.

Laodicea had to have its water piped from a spring five miles away. The water was so heavy with minerals it slowly clogged the pipes. By the time it reached the city, it was tepid. The foul, lukewarm was nauseating. Early readers of Revelation would have made the instant connection to Jesus' threat to spit (literally, "vomit") it out of His mouth.

It was a wealthy city, however, so rich that when it was destroyed by an earthquake in 60 A.D., the citizens turned down Roman aid and rebuilt it themselves. Laodicea was famous for the black cloth produced from the beautiful wool from its sheep. The citizens were proud of their black clothing, but Jesus saw them as naked and advised them to be clothed in the white clothes of His righteousness.

The city was also situated near the quarry from which came a powder used to make salve for eye ailments. Jesus saw their blindness and told them to anoint their eyes with the salve He offered in order to restore their sight.

This letter to Laodicea is especially poignant because God was talking to the church there. His own people were blind, naked, poor, and tepid.

This breaks my heart.

I have so many times been all these things. I have been too full of the world's cares to see my emptiness, too blind with duty to see my nakedness, too busy with the temporal to have time for the eternal.

Thank God He loves me enough to reprove me. Today He stands waiting at the door of our hearts. I can't help but wonder, How did it get closed? I didn't mean for it to happen. I don't know when it happened.

I just know He stands, He knocks, and He waits.

Come, Lord Jesus. Come.

Under the Spotlight

I will trust and not be afraid;

For the LORD GOD is my strength and song,

And He has become my salvation.

Isaiah 12:2

Some years back a traveling evangelist came to a nearby town to hold Billy Graham-style meetings in the school gym. His team asked for assistance from the area churches for people to pray, to counsel, and to help with the music.

Someone asked me to sing a special, which I gladly did. The night I sang, an acquaintance from my school days came up and mentioned how much she liked the song. She just kept on about how amazing it was. I secretly basked in the praise but replied as humbly as possible, "Oh, it wasn't my doing. You remember how shy I was in school."

"I know," she agreed, "that's what made the song so amazing."

Okay. It wasn't my ability that impressed her. It was the fact I had been able to get up there at all. That was humbling.

 Later I was struck by two things:

*The fact I was stung by her agreement with the very words out of my mouth.

*How much God has really changed me from the timid little teenager I once was.

Often our lives become so full we spend much of it doing, instead of being. This is usually considered to be bad. If we are doing the right things, however, we don't stay the same. Somewhere along the way, the song changes. We may not even realize how much.

I once yearned for the acceptance and approval of others. The more I tried, the more I embarrassed myself. After a few of those failures, I retreated to a life of safety in the shadows.

That's where God found me, dusted me off, and gave me a new song.

Today I have an audience of One. My goal is to make every day a solo performance straight from the heart to the only person whose approval I need. I already have His acceptance.

I fail at that goal every day, of course, because I'm so miserably human. But I know God is still at work on me. His stage is the secret place of my soul. His spotlight reveals my motives, illumines my heart, and dispels the shadows. 

Being under the spotlight can feel pretty intimidating. It can get a little heated under the light. It's a good place to be, though.

Lit up. Under scrutiny. Singing our song for Him.

How have you changed over the years? Has it been for the better or for the worse? Can you think of a time you feel under the spotlight of God's scrutiny? What did you learn from it?

Missing in Action

Whatever is true, 
whatever is honorable, 
whatever is right,
whatever is pure, 
whatever is lovely, 
whatever is of good repute,
if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise,
dwell on these things.
Philippians 4:8

Yesterday I went MIA. Yes, gone. Missing in action on this site.

Like much of the nation, I've been consumed with the unfolding tragedy in Massachusetts. I've been grieving with the bombing victims and their families, cheering on the authorities in their search for the suspects, and praying for safety for all involved.

I awakened yesterday morning with a deep sense of sadness and fatigue. I decided to scale back my usual duties and take a break from the news. My husband and I took an afternoon drive and went shopping.  He helped me buy some curtains for the living room and put them up in the evening.

We picked up some fast food and enjoyed a quiet dinner with the family. At ten p.m. I was ironing curtains and thinking about what a wonderfully patient husband I have.

Now, I'm not exactly recommending shopping as a cure for the blues. I'm only suggesting it.

What I am encouraging is a healthy balance between work and play. Between grief and celebration. It's not healthy to turn away from injustice and the suffering of others. Neither is dwelling there.

We have become a society sickened by the macabre. Death is the new frontier, and we are fascinated with its exploration. We fixate on the what revolts us, while a world of beauty and life blooms around us largely unnoticed.

Jesus came to deliver us from the bondage of death.Then He sent us back into it to pull others out of the wreckage. We give our hearts to a hurting world, but we keep our minds closely guarded against its influence.

I'm back today, more refreshed and grateful for the many beautiful ways God reveals Himself to me.

Are you ever caught up in the sadness around you? How do you keep your mind focused on those qualities described in Philippians 4:8? What are some specific ways to "dwell on these things"?